


Backstage

by YuriSenpai



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, BPD, Depression, Eating Disorder, F/F, Fluff, Medication, Mental Disorders, OCD, PTSD, Phobias, Platonic Relationshops, Self-Harm, Suicidal thoughts and actions, Suicide, Which are probably portrayed inaccurately but i try
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-19 05:34:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11891097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YuriSenpai/pseuds/YuriSenpai
Summary: The lives of Aqours members aren't always shiny.A collection of oneshots showing a darker side to the characters of Aqours.





	1. The Kurosawa Sisters

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is my first Love Live fic that I've published and it's also my first fic in which I've been writing about mental disorders- please forgive me for any inaccuracies. This work is not an accurate representation nor do I claim it to be. I've tried my best so I hope it's good anough!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: This works was created by myself to raise awareness of mental disorders and other things of importance, because mor people need to know what suffering from these things is truly like. I hope my work will help you understand that people with mental disorders are not insane, and they have a lot going on and perhaps help you understand more.
> 
> Okay I’m rambling but I hope you find this work informative!

The Kurosawa sisters did many things together. 

They ate together.

They walked to school together.

They did their homework together.

They even bathed together.

But there was one thing they never did together.

Whether it was because of Dia's pride, or Ruby's fear, it didn't matter- they just never did it together.

They never took their medication together. 

As Dia was an early riser, she always would enter the kitchen first, take hers, then leave to wake up Ruby. Once Ruby was awake, Dia would go to prepare herself for the day, while Ruby would slink into the kitchen, down a glass of water with her pills dissolved in, then she too would retreat to dress herself.

They did, however, comfort each other in their times of need.

Like the time Ruby had a panic attack on the train.

It was had been jam packed, with little space to breathe and even less space to move. 

It was Ruby's idea to get the train, and when she suggested it, Dia didn't think twice about agreeing. She hadn't thought about the consequences since Ruby had seemed so sure of herself. With the buses cancelled, and nobody available to collect them, it had seemed like the perfect plan.

But only two minutes into the journey, with them almost crushed between a group a men, and a pack of schoolgirls, Ruby had broken. 

Dia first noticed when the small redhead stopped engaging in their small talk; instead her pupils shrank and her hands begin to quiver. 

"Ruby?" She called softly over the dim chatter of the train.

No response. 

Ruby was stuck in her world. 

After pushing one of the men around a little, she urgently asked for them to give her some space. Of course they didn't really listen- it wasn't their business after all. 

Dia didn't know if she should pull Ruby close into an embrace, or try to push more people out of the way. 

With Ruby's breathing becoming incredibly laboured, her trembling became much for visible, Dia figured that it would be worse to try and hug Ruby if she was already panicking in the enclosed space. 

"Ruby, please listen to what I'm saying," Dia said calming, bringing herself close to Ruby's ear. 

"I'm here and I'm going to help you, just keep breathing, in... and out..." 

A few people were starting to stare at the two sisters, which no doubt Ruby was picking up on, which was only worsening her attack. 

Dia turned to hiss at the bystanders,

"Mind your own business!" 

Dia checked her watch. Seven minutes until the next station. It wasn't their stop, or even close to home, but she just had to get Ruby off the train.

Biting her lip nervously, she turned her attention back to Ruby. She knew that trying to start a normal conversation was a good way of trying to pull Ruby out of her zone.

"Ruby, I was thinking about what would be nice for dinner tonight... I was thinking soup perhaps? It's fairly late and a large meal probably wouldn't do us any good..."

Dia rambled on, her voice shaking the longer she carried on talking.

What felt like an eternity to Dia, must've been two for Ruby, but finally the doors of the train opened.

Dia took Ruby by the wrist and dragged her through the crowd of staring and gossiping people.

They were out. 

Instantly Ruby burst into tears, her cries echoing in Dia's head and hurting her heart.

The attack was over. 

Dia found a secluded area with a bench just outside of the station for her and Ruby to sit and calm down. 

With Ruby resting her head on Dia's shoulder, the two sat in silence, Dia's arm loosely around Ruby's shoulders. Tissues at hand, Dia offered them to her previous younger sister, who accepted them gratefully. 

Tear stained and reddened, Ruby's face had definitely seen better days. 

Dia sighed heavily as she debated to call for a taxi, or text Mari and ask her to send someone to get them.

In the end, she decided with the former, as she realised the latter would raise questions.

 

Another time they had helped each other out was when Dia was having one of her particularly bad days with her OCD. It was back when she was in denial about her mental state, and refused to pick up a prescription from the doctor.

She was forever washing her hands, disinfecting the surfaces, washing the bedsheets- driving herself to exhaustion. 

Even after cleaning the whole house from top to bottom, Dia wasn't satisfied. Her internal thoughts were going crazy. She couldn't stop herself from doing what she had to do.

Ruby had been out all day with Hanamaru, and she came home to find her older sister collapsed on the couch, her hands red raw from cleaning so much, and her face distorted into a frown. 

That's when Ruby knew it had gone on too far. 

Gently, she sat down next to her sister and ran her hands slowly through her hair. 

When Dia woke, Ruby had long since fallen asleep, but she found the sight of her caring sister so calming, Dia didn't feel like moving, despite everything screeching at her to back away, she couldn't help but stay still.


	2. Riko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her trauma being uncovered once again, Riko's visit to Chika's house does not quite go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo everyone!
> 
> I feel like the first chapter was a little rushed, but hopefully this chapter is a little better written and more accurate! Enjoy!

Riko hadn't always been afraid of dogs. 

In fact, as a child, she quite liked them. She would often stop to pat one when she encountered one in her daily routine. Fluffy fur, floppy ears; Riko enjoyed interacting with the sweet animals greatly.

Unfortunately, due to living in a busy city, Riko's parents thought them unable to have a dog as it would be unfair to keep one trapped in the apartment all day, but Riko didn't mind too much. She just liked viewing them from afar.

But of course, then the accident happened.

Having a heart of pure gold, Riko had only wanted to help the stray dog she saw wandering the street. Its fur was matted and filthy, yet she wanted to comfort it, embrace it and hold it tightly.

As she stepped closer to it, she called out softly and knelt down to eye level. With a sweet smile, and a tilt of her head, she beckoned for it to come closer.

Not really understanding the body language of the animal, the young redhead didn't realise the dog felt threatened . 

Instead of backing away, she reached for it.

Before she could even grasp what was going on, there was blood trickling down her hand, her arm... 

Riko wasn't sure where the blood was coming from, but there was a lot of it, like a tidal wave the blood gushed from the bite marks left indented in her body.

She shrieked and stumbled to her feet. The world was swaying around her, her stomach lurching and her head spinning. 

Riko felt another sharp pain in her leg, then fell to the ground with another scream. She thrashed around, kicking her legs out in a desperate attempt to throw the animal off.

Riko then blacked out.

The experience embedded itself permanently in her mind.

Of course it did. An emergency trip to the hospital, as well as an extended stay was enough to leave anyone shaken.

It wasn't as if Riko didn't want to give dogs another try. 

The fact was that she couldn't.

Much like the bite marks on her body, the experience scarred her mind, traumatising her. 

Each and every single time she even heard a dog, whether in the distance, or on the same street, Riko froze.

She would get extremely sweaty, yet she would tremble as if she were cold. Hands quivered with nerves and Riko would find herself rooted to the spot, unable to move, speak or even breathe properly as her chest would be tight and heavy. 

When this happened, Riko felt as if it was much more difficult to breathe- she would then go lightheaded as she struggled.

Her stomach would tighten and tie itself in knots; Riko often vomited after these experiences.

Of course, Chika wasn't to know this. 

Shittake didn't mean any harm of course, so when Chika called for him to come into her bedroom, she didn't think twice. You greeted Shittake with a goofy grin and pulled him into a snuggly embrace. 

Chika laughed at the drool dripping from the furry dogs mouth and pulled a playful face.

Riko just sat there.

Her pupils dilated, and she was already lost in her world.

Being this close to a dog was something she hadn't done since the accident.

Riko's scars began to burn her, and her eyes became glassy and spaced out. In her head, the attack was playing out- snarling jaws dropping with ferocity and spite cruelly curled back to reveal fangs, bloodthirsty and sharp.

Bound by a rope, Riko's chest was tightened and her breath hitched- she began to hyperventilate. At first she was quiet about it, but she was too quiet.

You and Chika noticed the absence of Riko in the conversation, and glanced over. 

Riko was as white as a sheet.

"Riko-chan?" Chika asked worriedly. When no reaction happened, she shifted across to place a hand on Riko's sweaty hand; Shittake followed Chika's move and left a sloppy lick on the same hand Chika touched.

The moment that followed, Chika swore she would never hear anything like it again. 

A bloodcurdling scream split the air in the room- a scream so terrified yet terrifying at the same time. Chika felt a shiver down her spine and pulled Shittake immediately away from Riko. He seemed a little unsettled by her reaction.

Riko screeched her lungs out for a solid three seconds, before bursting into hysteria and uneven sobs. 

You took action immediately and was at Riko's side, holding her hand, whispering soft words of reassurance in her ears. 

Chika took Shittake by the collar and hurriedly took him outside the room. She decided that a glass of water would probably do Riko some good, and raced to the kitchen to grab one.

Back inside the room, Riko was still at the height of her panic. The hand that clutched You's was white at the knuckles and grasping so tightly You was sure that her circulation stopped multiple times. 

After a few minutes, her hysterical screams died down, and her grip on You's hand slackened. The next thing You's knew, she had the redheaded girl passed out in her arms. 

Carefully, she picked her up bridal style and lay Riko gently on Chika's bed. You loosened Riko's uniform slightly, and rested her hand gently against Riko's forehead. The pianist was burning up rapidly, so when Chika finally arrived back in the room with a glass of water and a plate of sweets to boost blood sugar, You sent her straight back out to get a bowl of cool water and a towel for Riko's forehead.

 

When Riko awoke, she was greeted with a mop of ash hair glancing down at her worriedly. Without testing the water about how she felt, Riko immediately sat up. The towel fell from her forehead and landed in her lap.

"Riko-chan..." Chika, who was stood behind You, had such a saddened expression on her face that she almost felt bad for the episode she had just had. 

"I'm so sorry for everything that has happened!" Chika bowed to Riko, and the redhead could've sworn she saw a few tears fall from her face. 

Riko smiled half heartedly.

"I-it's fine..." she whispered hoarsely. You offered her the water Chika had brought earlier and Riko swallowed it gratefully in one gulp.

Riko stilled looked incredibly pale and sickly to the eye, but neither of her two friends wanted to say anything that would upset the redhead further.

"We called your mother Riko-chan, she's coming to get you." You said with a warm smile.

Riko just nodded.

"She will be here any minute."

The walk to the house next door was obviously short, but Chika's mother had made the final decision, and said that calling Riko's parents would be the best plan. 

Riko just looked plain miserable as she walked towards her mother, who held an arm out ready to pull Riko into a hug. The redhead then pushed herself willingly close into her mother, wanting to feel protection, warmth and security. More teas leaked from Riko's eyes.

Although muffled, she could still hear the conversation between Chika's mother and her own.

"I'm really sorry for this, I had no idea..."

"It's my fault, I didn't realise you had a dog... If I had told you, this could've been avoided..."

Riko wanted to go home.

Humiliated, she wanted to get out of sight of everyone. To hide herself away in her room, and sleep her exhaustion away. 

She pressed herself tighter against her mother, hoping she would get the message. Riko would have walked home, but her whole body was still shaking uncontrollably, and she was afraid of falling. 

Eventually, it did sink in that Riko needed some time alone, and the two parents bid farewell.

You and Chika softly shouted goodbye to Riko, but the redhead only gave a half hearted reply.

Needless to say, Riko took the next few days off school to recover from her encounter.


	3. Kanan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan is trapped. Mari tries her best, but she just doesn't know how to truly help her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! This fic isn't dead?? Not quite. I do have another chapter in the works so I'll hopefully get that out here at some point. Hope you enjoy the angst!

"Kanan! Please let me in!" 

Kanan pushed her hands over her ears, blotting out Mari's shrill voice, the persistent bangs on the door, and instead listening to the voices in her head.

"You're fat Kanan!"

"Let's go for another jog!"

"Come on, purge up all the nasties inside you!"

Kanan was not the mature, strong and reliable motherly figure that everyone made her out to be. In her own head, she was trapped. Each day she could not help despise the body she was given. 

With her back to the wall, Kanan made herself smaller. She tucked her head between the knees she had brought ip to her chest, and wrapped her arms around them.

She couldn't hear Mari anymore. Maybe she had gone. 

"She's gone because she doesn't care, Kanan." 

Kanan hated the voices.

She really did.

But they were addictive. 

Intoxicated, she obeyed every word, every command, every demand- she obeyed the lot.

Kanan was drunk on the voices in her head. Much like alcohol, they weren't doing her body any good. The voices made Kanan feel rotten from inside out, but she couldn't escape them. They were stuck, bound together for the rest of eternity.

Kanan wasn't sure when the voices started coming, but soon she found that she didn't enjoy her morning jog anymore; but she had to do it, else she be labelled fat and lazy.

She didn't enjoy eating at all. The voices pretended that she was allowed to eat: they would go silent while she debated in her head whether she should eat it or not, and when she made that killer decision and started her meal, the voices would spring on her like predators hunting their prey.

Kanan was exceedingly unhappy with her body, but there wasn't anything she could do about it. No matter how much she worked out, she always had a pudgy stomach, her thighs were always thick, and her breasts were huge and meaty. 

She hated every last inch of herself.

That was why her fingers and throat stung of the bile that once resided in her stomach. The tips of her fingers were scarred from previous purging, visible to those with a detailed eye. 

Sitting up slowly, she leaned over the toilet once again. Kanan brought her fingers to eye level for a quick examination, but then brought them back towards her mouth with a bittersweet smile.

"That's good Kanan!"

"Keep going! We're not done yet!" 

Outside the room, Mari had other ideas. With one last final attempt, she threw her entire body weight at the sturdy door. While it hurt, it worked. The door swung open and the blonde fell to the floor just next to Kanan. 

Taken off guard, Kanan was snapped out of her daze.

"Mari..." Her gaze locked on Mari as she tried to get back on her feet. The blonde pushed herself tightly into Kanan, feeling each bone protruding into her.

"Kanan... Please... Don't do this anymore...." Mari begged, tears dripping from her cheeks.

Kanan couldn't move. Not only did Mari have her arms pinned, but her heart pinned also. 

She hated seeing Mari cry. Especially if she was the one that cause the tears. 

[LINEBREAK] 

Mari sighed heavily, and gently ran her fingers up and down Kanan's arms. Breathing laboured, Kanan remained asleep while Mari sobbed quietly to herself. She had managed to coax Kanan from the bathroom, and settle her in their bed. 

Kanan was really hurting herself.

The fitness obsessed girl couldn't see the harm she was causing her own body. Kanan's ribs had started to jut out, her shoulder blades sharp and protruded prominently through her nightshirt. Mari glances sadly at Kanan's hips, which now were excessively bony and stuck out. 

It wasn't healthy. 

People had started to notice, but nobody wanted to say anything to Kanan, so Mari would consult them separately, explaining why Kanan was so thin.

At first Aqours had seemed shocked to hear that, but each of them promised to Mari that they would look out for Kanan, and try to make sure she ate her dinner and hovered around her after meals to try and make sure she didn't leave the room to vomit. Of course, Kanan was a lot quicker than they were, and a lot of the time she managed to slip straight past them. 

Lightly, the blonde planted a kiss of her girlfriend's sweating cheek.

"One day Kanan," she whispered, "One day..." 

With one arm slung around Kanan's waist, Mari herself drifted to sleep.


	4. Mari

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Just wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me and this fic, I really appreciate all the Kudos and kind comments you're all leaving!

Everything in Kanan's world froze up. 

It all just stopped in time. 

She couldn't move.

There, hunched over the bathtub, was Mari. Next to her on the floor, lay an empty pill bottle on its side, on Mari's right there was a blade; albeit small, but the damage it caused was enough. 

Water in the bath had turned red from the blood oozing from Mari's wrists.

Kanan couldn't even scream. She only dropped to her knees. The phone in her hand fell to the floor with a clatter and a bounce. 

"Mari..." Kanan muttered breathlessly.

She had to act fast - or else it would be too late. But her body was sluggish and slow, her movements clumsy and uncontrolled. Shaking, Kanan reached for her phone and dialled for emergency services. The phone conversation was quick.

It all felt so unreal. 

Kanan crawled across the floor towards Mari, and placed a shaking hand on her shoulder. Mari was cold. As gently as she could, Kanan pulled her backwards to lay her on the hard floor, supporting her weight alone. 

Vomit caked Mari's nightshirt; leaving an uncomfortable crusty layer. Kanan grabbed a washcloth from the basin and started to apply pressure to Mari's right wrist. Blood seeped through.

The cloth was dyed red within minutes. Kanan removed the cloth, then grabbed a towel from the floor and wrapped the corner around Mari's wrist tightly. Kanan kept a firm grip on that wrist. One handed, she used the another corner of the towel to wrap around Mari's other wrist. 

Kanan didn't know what to do. Blood was seeping through, she didn't know if she should put Mari in the rescue position or keep holding her wrists. 

A moan escaped from the blonde that lay underneath her grip. 

"Mari!" Kanan called to her softly, "Please wake up."

Lethargically, Mari's eyes opened: clouded but Kanan could still see a little of Mari in there. The hurt was evident in Kanan's voice as she spoke softly to the blonde.

"An ambulance is coming to get you. I'll be there though, don't worry." Kanan whispered softly. She couldn't tell if Mari was completely conscious or not, but she wasn't saying much at all. 

Kanan worried that Mari was going to be sick, she needed to get her on her side really: lying flat on her back wasn't a good position. 

Kanan never ended up making the decision. 

The ambulance arrived.

Paramedics rushed to the bathroom, and hustled Kanan apart from Mari. she ended up getting pushed against the opposite wall, but she still had a good view of what they were doing. 

Mari just looked so broken. 

Lay on her cold bathroom floor, covered in her own vomit, bleeding out. 

It wasn't a nice way to go. 

Kanan felt herself starting to freeze up again. Shock settled in. Tears began to flood Kanan's cheeks. 

The paramedics were shouting to each other, and Mari was getting moved. They had her on a stretcher, and she was getting taken away. 

Kanan called out. 

"Please! Let me come with you!" She begged, her voice cracking under stress, "I'm family" Kanan desperately lied. 

It was decided in an instant. 

She could come. 

Kanan hastily followed the crew outside the apartment, stumbling and crying as she went. 

[LINEBREAK]

Kanan didn't know how long she had been sitting, waiting in A&E. Time was blurred to her - all she knew was that it was dark outside.She had somehow managed to send a text to Dia. However it was the dead of night, and Kanan doubted Dia would be awake to receive the message. 

Kanan didn't realise she was still anxiously shaking, her hands trembling uncontrollably. A nurse had offered her a warm drink at one point, but Kanan politely shook her head. 

The blue haired girl wasn't sure she'd be able to keep anything down. She felt so sick to her stomach. Thinking about the state she found Mari in sent her into an episode of dizziness. Head spinning, gasping for air Kanan closed her eyes and leant back, her arms tensed up. 

Kanan jumped as a door opened behind her. In hope she twisted round.

It wasn't Mari. Of course it wasn't.

Dressed in her knee-length pink nightshirt, a pair of black tracksuit bottoms, a thick coat and trainers on her feet, was Dia. The brunette breathlessly ran to Kanan, and wrapped her hands around her tightly. Dia was panting heavily. Kanan was surprised. She expected Dia to be asleep.

"I came as soon as I got your text," Dia muttered tearfully into Kanan's shoulder. Kanan remained quiet, and just sunk deep into the hug. She let out a sob. 

Dia sat down next to Kanan and gently stroked her hair reassuringly.

"She'll be fine. Don't worry..." Dia bit her lip, but hoped her words would be of comfort to Kanan, despite struggling to believe them herself.

"Dia... there was so much b-blood..." Kanan whimpered, her tears dampening her friends jacket. Dia could feel tears of her own flowing, but she chose to ignore them and instead focused on reassuring Kanan. 

[LINEBREAK] 

Hours later, both girls were shaken awake by a nurse with intense blue eyes and a soft smile. The nurse led them through to a square room, with a bed in the centre.

Still as a statue, Mari slept. Kanan let out a sob and stumbled forward to the bed taking hold of one of Mari's hands.

Bandages were wound securely around her wrists, and there was a drip going into Mari's arm, but she was alive. Her pale face was sickly in the sharp light, and her lips were white and slightly parted. 

Kanan sobbed on the floor, completely out of character.

The nurse turned to Dia and asked for her to answer a few questions about Mari, and some other emergency contacts she could get in touch with. 

Kanan couldn't hear the conversation. There was only one thing on her mind.

The blonde angel lay in the sheets, breathing lightly but her face twisted in pain. 

Mari.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! If you have any suggestions for a one shot with any of the girls, please leave a comment below!   
> I do have a few ideas but I'm struggling to come up with something solid for the remaining few...
> 
> Thanks!


	5. Yoshiko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoshiko sneaks off at the dead of night during a sleepover, believing everyone was asleep and nobody would miss her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! It’s been a good few weeks, but I was struggling to write a new chapter for this since I got so many suggestions and I was really conflicted, but here’s what I settled with in the end

Desire burned deeply within Yoshiko as she slowly slipped out of her bed. Checking around the darkened room, she confirmed that the other members of Aqours were sleeping. To her immediate left, Riko was lay on her side with her hand reached out slightly towards Yoshiko's direction. On her right, Ruby was snuggled up close to Hanamaru, with the latter grinning widely in her sleep. Chika was completely splayed out, her limbs in all directions and she was only actually half in her futon. Yō hugged a pillow tightly as she slept to the left of Chika.

Yoshiko's heart skipped an anxious beat when Mari's futon was empty, but she quickly located the blonde's nightcap buried in Kanan's chest on the other side of the room. Kanan herself was a satisfied smile on her face and rested contently, snoring softly.

Dia was flat on her back and completely void of any noises. Yoshiko examines her for a while, having a hard time believing she was asleep; Dia soon quashed this doubts as she started to mutter incoherently in her sleep.

“No! I will finish eating it... “ 

Yoshiko sighed in relief. 

Sure the day had been nice, but she hadn’t any time to herself to perform something to satisfy her needs. She had just felt a bit distant to the other girls. 

After quickly sweeping across the room one last time, Yoshiko dug around in her bag. In with her toiletries, she grabbed a smaller bag, containing a much needed object and necessities and then left the room. The door squeaked a little and she froze, double checking nobody had moved. Chika had shuffled a little and Dia's changed conversation topic with herself, but all seemed good.

Growing desperate, Yoshiko tiptoed quickly down the hallway, like a fairy.

'Where was the bathroom again?' She urged her brain to think. The Kurosawa house was very large and one could easily become lost or enter the wrong room. Thankfully, the guest bathroom was only at the end of the hallway. Hurriedly, she flicked the light on and bustled inside.

In her haste, she failed to lock the door. Of course, it was the dead of night, many people wouldn’t be about.

Tearing open the small toiletry bag, small bandages, plasters and antiseptic wipes tumbled out onto the floor as she searched for the object of her desires. Yoshiko round it, closing her hand around the tiny object she pulled it free from the bag.

With her free hand, she unzipped her kigurumi and let it pool around her ankles. Now donning only a pair of sleeping shorts and a cropped pyjama shirt, Yoshiko knew what was to come next. She yanked her shirts down a little on one side, exposing her hip. 

In her opposite hand, a small glistening razor was held. Hurriedly, she brought it down onto her skin. 

She pressed deep. 

The skin didn’t break.

Not until she dragged it firmly downwards.

All of Yoshiko's emotions for the day unraveled as she saw the blood oozing form the fresh wound. 

Panting, she moved the razor to a different spot and tried again. 

The cut this time was longer.

But she wanted it deeper.

So Yoshiko moved her razor and did it again.

And again.

And again.

Blood was now dripping down her hips in quantities, running over older, but still recent, cut marks. In her relief, she hadn’t managed to move her shorts out the way. Red leaked onto the, and spread about. 

But Yoshiko was so lost in the moment, she couldn’t have cared less.

Dizzy, she leant back on the wall a bit. Using the mirror to admire her handiwork, Yoshiko smiled sadly at the web of cuts across her hip, which was now a bloody mess. 

Now satisfied with her hips Yoshiko wanted to move the razor to a different place. She thought hard about where would provide a lot of cover.

Her thighs were still a little sore and healing from cuts left a few days earlier. Yoshiko didn’t like to disturb the scabbing, and she found it a lot more rewarding to break through healed, tougher skin. The costumes for the next live were in Yoshiko's mind as she thought of where to go next. 

Stomach was a no-go, for it would be visible for definite. Yoshiko examines her upper arms, but then shook her head as she realised the next costume was sleeveless, so she would have no cover there. 

However... due to a part of the costume being able to cover her lower left arm, Yoshiko examined her wrist curiously. 

'This will do!' She thought, excited at the prospect of cutting a new area. 

It was always risky, but at that moment it didn’t matter. 

Bringing the razor up once again, Yoshiko sank it into her wrist. Dragging it deeply, blood immediately welled up. 

It was a more intense type of pain. Fresher, newer, harsher. It felt good. Every other place she had cut up until that point felt dull. This made her feel more alive than ever. Yoshiko could feel herself growing more and more fond of the painful ebbing in the wrist than anything else.

After a minute she examined her wrist again, eyeing her veins. Shaking her head, she dismissed the thought. Yoshiko didn’t want to die, she just needed the feeling to escape from everything around her.

More blood oozed out of another cut she made, this one quite shallow. 

She made a few more shallow ones and then positioned the razor at the top of her wrist, lightly grazing it over her veins.

A knock at the door startled Yoshiko, who had been locked in her world. She suddenly jerked and her eyes widened at the door.

“Yocchan?” 

It was Riko. Yoshiko hurried went to pull her kigurumi up when she noticed an awful amount of blood running down her arm. Turning her wrist over, she looked at the deep incision straight across the blue veins. 

Yoshiko began to panic. It wouldn’t be easy to hide.

“I-I won’t be a minute Lily..!” She called, trying to sound as convincing as possible. 

“Are you okay in there?” Riko's voice was heavy with concern and she came closer to the door.

“I’m fine! Give me a minute!” 

Yoshiko was sounding less and less like herself as she stuttered her words desperately. Hurriedly picking up the content of her first aid kit that she dropped everywhere earlier, she ripped open a bandage and wound it around her wrist in an attempt to stop the bleeding before it got anywhere else.

Within seconds of her fastening it tightly, red spots were beginning to appear and leak through the soft bandage. The blood on her hips was drying, but was sticky to touch. Grabbing as much toilet paper as she could manage, Yoshiko hurriedly tried to dab the mess.

Outside, Riko was pacing anxiously. Everything wasn’t alright. There was something going on behind the closed door which she didn’t like. It settled badly with Riko.

With the blood creeping through, Yoshiko ripped the bandage off and threw it to the floor. She gripped the wound with her hand. The blood trickled through her fingers and dropped onto the floor. 

The bathroom looked like a murder scene.

“Yoshiko, I'm coming in!” Riko called, slowly opening the door.

“Lily! Don’t!” Yoshiko suddenly shouted, spinning around in the confined space to stop her.

Moments too late she found herself face to face with Riko. Kigurumi around her ankles, blood oozing from two parts of her body and her scars on show, it would be a shock for anyone. 

Riko had expression of utmost horror on her face as she saw the bloody state of the bathroom. Yoshiko still had hold of the razor in her right hand. 

Riko took one look at Yoshiko's bloody wrist and felt her stomach lurch. Dropping to her knees, she vomited into the toilet. 

Yoshiko tried to soothe her, but wasn’t having much luck. She was beginning to feel dizzy. Riko quickly recovered from the initial shock, and stood up to grip Yoshiko. She took the razor straight from her hand and threw it across the room.

“Yocchan! You’re bleeding?! Why did you...?” Riko was at a loss for works and was struggling to form a coherent sentence.

Yoshiko struggled away from Riko and tried to hide the cuts. Obviously this action was useless since Riko had just seen, but she wanted to cover them anyway. She pulled her shorts back up to cover the cuts on her hip and then return her right hand to clutch her left wrist.

“We need help right now...” Riko muttered, turning to leave. 

“Lily! Please you can’t! I won’t let you! Nobody must know!” Yoshiko threw herself onto Riko's legs to try and ground her. Due to her feeling faint and nauseous, she soon came lose.

“Yocchan, you’re bleeding so much we can’t stop this by ourselves!”

Riko took off down the hallway, trying not to wake other members of the household. There was only one person who could help them.

Left in the bathroom by herself, Yoshiko collapsed to the floor. Her cheeks became moist with tears she couldn’t control. Fear flashed through her mind as she recalled some not-so fond memories from hospitals and inpatient wards.

She couldn’t go back.

Yoshiko began to shut down. The last thing she remembered, was the latter of footsteps once again, but this time two others entered the bathroom.

 

[LINEBREAK]

Riko sobbed hopelessly.

“I should’ve known! I can’t believe I didn’t notice sooner!”   
Carefully rubbing Riko's back, Yō spoke in hushed voices, reassuring Riko that it wasn’t her fault.

After Riko had found Yoshiko, she had immediately gone back to wake Dia. She would’ve woken all the third years, but after seeing scars up and down Mari's body previously, she concluded it would be begs for her to stay with Kanan.

The Kurosawa household were most definitely not short on money, and even had two persons highly trained doctors on site at all times. Dia did not hesitate to bring them out. They hurriedly sorted out the unconscious girl: stopped the bleeding, dressed the wounds, wiped her body clear of bloody and anything else.

Roll couldn’t help but blame herself as she stared over at Yoshiko's still body, connected to a drip and her arm bandaged up properly.

How long had it been since she started? 

Riko didn’t know. She didn’t even know if she would ever find out the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! This chapter has actually been the hardest (emotionally) to write so far and I’ve been feeling it a lot. It’s quite personal to me I guess?


	6. Mari II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other Mari based chapter. I've had this written since I started this Fic but I didn't want to upload a second Mari chapter until I'd covered all of Aqours. But since I've not released anything here for months I thought I would bring it out while I try to recover from Writers Block

Mari.

Kanan's heart pounded like drums in her chest as she raced up the steps to where her shared apartment was located. Fumbling with keys took precious time, but Kanan tried to keep her mind steady as she managed to slide them into the lock. She thrust the door open and dropped her bag once inside. The hallway was dark but Kanan could make out the coats and shoes flung about everywhere. 

She took a step forward. There was a crunch under her foot. The mirror was shattered everywhere - thankfully Kanan still had her shoes on.

Her voice shaky and hoarse, she called out,  
"Mari?" 

No response.

The anxiety within Kanan was ignited further, and fuelled her concern. Quickening her pace, she barged into the living room.

Water leaking from a broken vase across the floor eerily reflected the dim light entering the room through the torn curtains obstructing the window. The flowers Kanan had bought a few days earlier were strewn about, the petals flaking off and lining the floor. Kanan slowly inhaled, biting her lip. 

Walking into the room fully, she examined it carefully. There was a lot of damage done, even the coffee table was discovered to be broken as Kanan hit her foot on it walking across the open space. 

Stuffing from cushions was everywhere, much like grey confetti. 

Picture frames were smashed just about everywhere. Kanan knelt down next to them. She pulled one photograph from the shards; one of her, Dia and Mari... Only, Mari's face was scratched out. Kanan dropped the photo and picked another. Mari's face was scratched out there too. And the next one.

But Mari wasn't at all in the room.

Kanan walked into the kitchen, and she came across a very similar mess. 

It looked as if just about every piece of pottery they owned had been thrown across the room. There were shards of mixed colours dusting all surfaces. Kanan caught sight of the photo mug Dia had made for her, which had cute photos of the three of them plastered across it, lying cracked and without a handle in the heap.

Kanan bit her lip in a moment of sadness, it was a lovely gift.

But she had other things to worry about at that moment.

One of those things was that Mari was still nowhere to be found.

And there wasn't a single sharp knife left on the knife block.

At all.

Feathers coated the bedroom- the softest pillows they owned were torn to shreds. Kanan could feel herself choking on the sheer amount of feathers clouding the room.

With a brief sweeping gaze, Kanan concluded Mari wasn't there either, and ran through into the bathroom.

Kanan had found her.

Covered in feathers, blood and other substances, sat on the bathroom floor with the kitchen knives in a circle and the shower running behind her head, was Mari. 

Kanan's eyes rested on Mari's arms. 

There was too many.

Hundreds of tiny cuts caused by the shattered mirror and other broken objects littered Mari's arms. These weren't so deep. But the ones on her thighs were. The knives had clearly been used - one in Mari's left hand, and the remaining ones left on the floor.

"Mari..." Kanan broke down in tears, falling to her knees. 

Mari didn't say anything. She hadn't moved since Kanan had entered the room. 

Slowly, not to startle her, Kanan placed a hand soothingly on Mari's, then removed the knife. 

Suddenly blinking, then looking up, Mari made eye contact with Kanan. Her eyes didn't say a thing.

"Kanan." Mari said. Her voice was clear, but wasn't giving anything away at all. She didn't have to. 

Everything was clear.

Carefully, as to not irritate any of the wounds even more, Kanan gently embraced her girlfriend, tears dripping down her cheeks as she gritted her teeth. Mari didn't move at all.

She sat limply in Kanan's hug, while her girlfriend took all of her weight. Kanan gently stroked Mari's hair hoping to calm the blonde's mind. After a minute, she let go, and reached for a towel on the floor, then pressed it against the cuts on Mari's thighs. Before she covered them, she couldn't help but make out words embedded into the pale skin.

Still, Mari didn't make a sound or move a muscle, just continued to stare blankly ahead. Kanan felt herself tearing up. 

It hurt.

It hurt her to see Mari like this. 

But she couldn't do a lot with their apartment a mess and Mari seemingly unwilling to cooperate. 

Clumsily pulling her phone out, with one hand holding down on Mari's wounds, Kanan phoned for probably the only person who would be able to help them out.

Dia.

 

[LINEBREAK]

Dia had helped out previously with Mari's suicidal tendencies, and she didn't hesitate to agree to Kanan's request - she sent someone over to the apartment immediately to pick them up. 

Kanan did her best to secure towels in place over Mari's shredded legs, and carried her down to the door and out to the waiting car. Mari was limp in her arms, completely out of it.

Dia was waiting outside when the car finally pulled up. She ran towards Kanan and took one side of Mari so between them she was carried up to the main house.

Dia's family doctor saw to Mari, treating and dressing her wounds. 

"Matsuura-san, has she been taking her medication?"

 

Kanan nodded her head. Mari had been fine all week, it seemed that she had just broken during the day for some reason unknown to Kanan. 

 

"Thanks Dia, I owe you..." Kanan mumbled quietly to her friend, not taking her eyes off Mari's sleeping form.

"You don't owe me anything." Dia corrected, also watching Mari intently, "She's gotten worse." She commented.

Kanan nodded, not trusting herself to say anything. Her eyes slowly filled with tears. She didn't know what to do. At this rate, Mari would have to become an inpatient at a mental health institute or something like that. 

 

[LINEBREAK] 

 

"You..." Kanan called softly, beckoning the younger girl over. Curious as to what Kanan wanted, You strolled over.

"I need to to do something for me please."

Kanan sounded serious, and her eyes intently stared her companion down, making You feel inclined to help out. 

"S-sure!" 

"For our costumes, I need you put long sleeves and a longer skirt on Mari's." 

You nodded, thinking that the request was odd, but of course she complied.

It wasn't until Mari was back in school, and You measured her up for her costume, did she fully realise why. 

Many tiny cuts laced Mari's arms, and there were large ones engraved in her legs.

With Kanan watching carefully, You didn't ask a thing as she carefully measured Mari up.  
The blonde herself, was deadly silent, as contrast to her usual persona. She held her hands together and rubbed the small cuts until You requested that she spread her arms out for measuring her bust. 

Once You was satisfied with the measurements she smiled at Mari and dismissed her.

"You can put your normal uniform back on now," she nodded to Mari, who hurriedly pulled her leggings up over her gym shorts to cover the scars on her legs, she pulled her jacket on and then left the room.

Kanan didn't follow at first, she walked to You's side.

"Don't say anything to the others." She murmured softly, sadness lacing her eyes.

"O-of course not!" You stuttered, "but is she okay? The cuts look quite serious..." You could hardly believe what she saw.

Kanan nodded.

"We're sorting things out..." Kanan looked away as she spoke, turning her purple eyes to the floor.

"I'll see you in a bit, You." 

With that; Kanan jogged after Mari, leaving the ash haired girl stood alone in the room, a troubled look resting on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. And I'm sorry Mari I love you.


End file.
